I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
