i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
