he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
