I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
