How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
