Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
