Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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