I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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