dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
