i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
