You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
