for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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