I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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