You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
