plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize