I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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