I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
