This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
