Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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