At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
