I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just googled if crying burns calories
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
