You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
