Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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