So drunk its hurt
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
