Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
