Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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