I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
