Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
