my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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