I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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