I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
