I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
