My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
