I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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