It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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