i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
