please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
