Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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