Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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