im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
