remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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