I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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