A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My boob is missing a layer of skin
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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