So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
