Your mouth is God's brothel.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
