I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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