We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
