I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
