Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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