Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
