FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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