I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
