i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize