Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
