fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
