fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
