You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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