We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just had sex on a roof
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
