You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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