JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
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